He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Randomize