I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Sext me about skeletons
Randomize
