You made me cry and you don't even care
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize