So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
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