Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
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she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
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Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
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