I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
