I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
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I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
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Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.