My liver just broke up with me...
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
