So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
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