I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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