did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
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