I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
So gin and wine won't be happening again
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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