I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
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