I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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