I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
