You smell like a Billy Joel song
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
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