it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Randomize
