Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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