Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
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