You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Randomize
