I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
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