im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
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