i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
