mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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