Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
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He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
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And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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