made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
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