Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Randomize
