We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
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