I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Randomize
