the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Someone came in the potted fern
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
