I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
