Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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