I wish I could teleport
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Randomize
