I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
She told me I should be a condom model.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
