I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
