Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
