who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Randomize
