the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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