so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
