This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Randomize
