Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Randomize
