I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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