Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Randomize
