Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Randomize
