i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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