he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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