the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
