Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
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