If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Randomize
