The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
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