Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Randomize
