She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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