I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Randomize
