Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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