I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
Randomize
