Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
