Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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